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von Hottie's Zombie Apocalypse Guide to Fitness

There is nothing like watching a zombie apocalypse on the television to remind me that it's been awhile since I've been friendly with the elliptical. Watching AMC's new show The Walking Dead this past weekend, while walking, I realized that you'd have to be super fit and beautiful to survive a zombie attack. Here is a brief guide to feats you may be required to achieve should our world turn into a living hell, and which activities you should take up to train for them.

  • Feat: Pulling yourself up and over fences, leaping over rooftops and navigating other urban obstacles while escaping zombie mobs. Training: Parkour! Never has your need to be a human Spiderman been more important.
  • Feat: Moving from place to place without making noise, so as not to alert the zombie mob to your presence. Training: Meditation. Mind-body control in face of danger is essential to survival.
  • Feat: Seducing your best friend's wife because when the world is ending, sex might save your sanity. Training: Salsa dancing. Hot-cha-cha your way into the newly limited gene pool.
  • Feat: Reaching a handsaw several inches from your grasp so you can saw yourself free from handcuffs before the zombies break down the door. Training: Yoga. Just a little flexibility makes a big difference when there's three inches between you and the rest of your life.
  • Feat: Running real fast from really slow dead people. Training: Speed interval training on the treadmill. Or, if you're like me, attach a glass of champagne to a fishing pole, fasten the fishing pole to your head so the champagne dangles in front of you and start chasing happy hour.
  • Feat: Washing zombie guts out of your clothes by hand. Training: Pull-ups, push-ups and any other upper body strength training.
  • Feat: Hunting deer & catching frogs for sustenance. Training: Archery, obviously.

All this television-induced terror has forced me to come up with a Zombie Apocalypse Escape Plan for Social Workout. First, we all meet in SoHo at SW Headquarters. Then, no matter where he is, we make sure we grab Killercadoogan because it would be a shame to lose a great Quidditch player to a humanitarian disaster. Next, we head to the U-Haul in Riverdale where my friend works. He assures me that no zombie's fingers could manage the U-Haul security code and we'd all be safe. Then we turn bed sheets and an empty storage unit into the best aerial silks training center ever to grace the annihilation of the world as we know it. Who's with me?

AMC's The Walking Dead

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