Buns of Steal

Keep It In Your Pants

Today's free workout, Bikram Yoga Harlem courtesy of a work-study arrangement (hooray for barter). So, this was my glorious post-rib return to Bikram Yoga Harlem, my absolute favorite yoga studio in New York! It was my first time back at yoga since my vain attempt two weeks ago, after the fall but before I knew the extent of the injury. On that visit, I got through exactly 6 postures before I began taking breaks to nurse my shoulder and rib. After 15 postures or so I just gave up and sat on my mat, staring helplessly at my sad mangled self. 

Fast forward to today, and man, I was gonna do it! And I mostly did, until I got an eyeful of balls. Yes, I said it. BALLS.

It had been exactly 2 weeks since the last attempt, and this time I was gonna make it through all 26 postures. I usually stand up front, but this time I decided to take a spot in the middle of the room, so as not to hog valuable mirror space in case my ribs crapped out again and I had to spend the practice on my butt.

In front of me was one of these gorgeous male Bikram specimans: sexual orientation ambiguous, but not really the point; great body (a little on the thin side, but it is yoga after all, what would we expect?); wearing nothing but tight green Bikram shorts.

So far so good. Until... pose number 6, a.k.a. "Dandayamana - Dhanurasana", a.k.a. Standing Bow Pulling Pose.

How do I put this delicately? Actually, I don't think there is any way to, so I'll just continue.

We're all standing on our left legs, lifting our right legs higher and higher, so that we are almost in standing splits...

I am standing behind green shorts guy, concentrating on his nice ass my technique, when suddenly my eyes focus on something out of the ordinary. His shorts, which by this point are dripping with sweat (its 115 degrees in the room), come unglued from his body, and there it is...

BALLS. I avert my eyes, and almost fall over. But it's like a car wreck, you can't really look away...

As his leg lifts higher and higher, the shorts come looser and looser, and the inevitable is on the horizon, so to speak.

HOLYCRAPHISBALLSAREABOUTTOFALLOUTOFHISGREENSHORTS.

This is what my mind is screaming, in the middle of what's supposed to be a calm, composed and challenging yoga pose.

What do I do if it happens? I'm gonna crack up, for sure. Is he gonna feel it? Jesus, it's about to happen...

I look back up at the mirror and he's staring right at my reflection.

CRAP DOES HE SEE I'M STARING AT THE BEGINNINGS OF HIS BALLS?

... But then... IF HE KNOWS WHY DOESN'T HE FIX IT?

... No way, he can't see what I'm looking at...

OR MAYBE HE'S MOCKING ME!? WITH HIS BALLS!

Yes, this was actually my mental conversation, in the middle of that serene yoga studio on 145th street.

In the end, somehow those teeny green shorts held on, and both my eyes and the dude's dignity were spared.

But it was close...

So, in conclusion, to the men of Bikram Yoga, I say this: We appreciate you. We appreciate your hot bodies, and we appreciate that you stand sweaty in front of us in every practice, motivating us to torture ourselves for 90 minutes in order to hopefully achieve a similar level of hotness. But, PLEASE, keep it in your pants, k?

For the ongoing adventures of Buns of Steal, an impoverished but equally resourceful law student in New York City hoping to make it through 2010 without ever paying for a gym membership, visit "Buns of Steal."

Yoga Shorts (via quickfityoga.com)



Warning: Table './sowoblog_live/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:12:\"user warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:348:\"Table './sowoblog_live/accesslog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired\nquery: INSERT INTO accesslog (title, path, url, hostname, uid, sid, timer, timestamp) values('Keep It In Your Pants', 'node/62790', '', '44.200.40.195', 0, 'dd442b8c1b90619218e449ea54b38ff0', 23884, 1656195753)\";s:5:\"%file\";s:63:\"/home/sowoblog/public_html/modules/statistics/statistics.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:63;}', 3, '', 'http://sowoko.com/2010/10/11/keep-it-your-pants', in /home/sowoblog/public_html/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 135