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Little People Are In Better Shape Than Jackie Warner's Clients

If television is a cultural barometer, what can we learn about health and well-being from our regular viewing? von Hottie presents a totally unscientific sampling of the health and fitness "wisdom" she gleaned this week from a random selection of television shows. WARNING: spoiler alerts and a mild tolerance of alcoholism ahead.

• The Closer: Like everyone else in L.A., it appears the cops of the L.A.P.D. do not eat. Or exercise. Or drink coffee, even. How are these people even alive? Is Kyra Sedgwick a robot in pink clothing? I thought maybe I would at least learn the personal safety lesson of not bringing internet dates home, but actually the lesson is: Don't let your creepy superintendent hook up your cable because he'll drill a peep hole and kill you by accident after you make a video blog, which will waste all the hours you spent at the gym. Not even fitness can prolong your life if you're a dating blogger. Useless information noted!
• Thintervention: Kimberley Rae Miller is right that Jackie Warner's new show isnot the best example of humanity at its finest, but I love me a good fitness trainwreck amongst consenting adults. I am most especially in love with Nikki - the hilarious British woman who hangs out with a lot of gay men and, like me, feels "naked without a cocktail." I believe the rest of the cast is there just to provide material for Nikki's one-liners - most of which I can't understand because she's either too drunk or too British. My girl Nikki had to have a deep heart-to-heart with Jackie about reducing her nightly "three" cocktails (please, girlfriend, I know that number is really five!) to just one - and that one can't be as big as a martini shaker. Been there! Still there! I love you! Things I learned from Jackie: Throw out everything in your house that has more than five grams of sugar and "workouts are not painful, they are pleasure. We have to reframe what you think is painful and what you think is pleasure." Yeah, yeah, the cast is whiny and over-privileged, but I have to root for a show with a brash and funny woman who's spent so much time living, she's forgotten to work towards lengthening that life. von Hottie hearts Nikki FOREVER (or at least until she stops being funny).
• Little People, Big World: The Roloffs have always seemed to me like a pretty active family - gallivanting around their farm, playing a lot of soccer and not letting dwarfism stop them from doing anything. But when the patriarch Matt collapses after experiencing vertigo, he gets a physical, finds out his cholestrol is high and starts exercising, going to physical therapy and taking better care of himself. His wife, Amy, decides its a good idea for her to start working with a personal trainer. At the gym, they put her in a cool underwater scale to measure her body weight. Amy, very surprisingly, has 50% body fat - technically clinically obese. Doesn't she get a different ratio as a little person? Amy's technical "obesity" doesn't seem to bother Matt. In fact, he spends a good chunk of time waxing poetic about her butt. Aww, even after four kids and a long marriage, they still got it!

Sorry, Jackie Warner! Even though everyone on your show lost weight in their first week, all the food cheating, whining and douchebaggery puts you a far second to the Roloffs. Let's hear it for a reality show that can be really fit and beautiful!