Gym Crimes

Equinox Hates Me

I reserved a spin bike at the Equinox flagship, but never went. It was for a 7:45 P.M. "Ride in 45" class last night with one Steve Katzenstein. (Insert New York joke about famous Jewish spin instructors. "What? You call that adding tension?") Anyway, no doubt Katzenstein is Catholic — I wouldn't know as I was "stuck" at my desk. This proved to me for the millionth time that if you stay at work past 7:00 P.M., the ratio between productivity and inertia approaches zero. Right, so this morning an email comes in from the Equinox central servers: "Equinox Book a Bike Notification, Strike 1." That's the subject line. Holy shit! It's awful, and somehow exciting, and, weirdly, the only disappointing thing is how mild the punishment...

If you receive three strikes in a 90-day period, you will not be able to use our online Book a Bike system for 30 days.

Whatevs. If I ran Equinox, the punishment would be more severe. Like: "If you receive three strikes, you will be required to take a one hour heavy metal spin class in which you will be the only student, and four of our group fitness teachers will stand around your bike as witnesses occasionally quoting The Crucible." Or maybe: "If you strike out, you will only be given the "jump bike," in future classes, i.e. that extra bike in the front of the room that faces the rest of the class." I think that's the sort of punishment that would work with New Yorkers. Just saying. Submit your nightmare spin class — worst one gets a free sexy Social Workout tee.

Equinox Hates Me


i give this policy a thumbs up - it's not fair for people who want to book and have to wait around for no-shows, plus most places penalize you for cancellation/no-show (my yoga studio and bootcamp class do) so why wouldn't a gym?

erikka's picture

i'm impressed...i like this.

msh258's picture

Oliver, you're such a rebel!

vonhottie's picture

My nightmare spin class is one where I'm in the back row so I can't see the instructor (I'm a teacher's pet, I like the front row!). There's no music (I need the awesome tunes to keep me going) and the people on the bikes surrounding me smell awful/need deodorant. Furthermore, the guy next to me keeps shaking his hair off his face, sending his sweat onto me everytime he does so. To top it off, the person on the bike directly in front of me has gas—and decides to let loose every time we move into a standing climb. Oh, and the teacher leaves the lights on—and the air conditioning is broken. I shudder just thinking about any/all of these elements.

amfeller's picture

Oliver got in trouble! I think the punishment is not enough and now you will just go and do it again! Bad, Oliver!

Eis4Emily's picture

Spot on report- I love that you actually took a snap shot of your email...
I find the all caps "IT'S NOT FITNESS. IT'S LIFE" statement rather menacing at the bottom of the email. It sounds like by missing a spin class you are ruining your life and the the lives of other gym members.

NB: love "The Crucible" mention aka "more weight!" : )

Hmmmm...what would sass's punishment be.....

sassletics82's picture

amfeller's post is definitely a nightmare class, bad music for sure. also an instructor with no personality playing bad music... folks who do not smile or get into the groove in class.... AARGH.. but this nightmare unfotunately has happened to me...  I went to Ride the Zone one evening, I took Nicky's class, kickass teacher... anyway,  I need to feed off people's energy...  this blonde chick was in the front row wearing sneakers (she could have gotten spin shoes at RTZ), she was doing nothing, playing with her hair, talking to her boyfriend... not getting into the class... not listening to Nicky, doing her own thing... and unfortunately she was in my line of vision.. it was incredibly frustrating... Nicky kept telling them to stop talking bc it was distracting and disruptive... what was she doing in the front row? and esp in Nicky's class??? I am a back row person, being in front row, you have to be on and represent... and I had no clue why this chick was in the front row.  I talked to Nicky abt it afterwards, she said she just tried to tune them out and look at my friend and me...

sandella's picture

I just told my boss abt this, she goes to Equinox and is an avid spinner and she reminded me that Soul cycle still charges your account, they don't care if you don't show. I reserved a bike at Ride the Zone, and I could not get to the eastside bc of the 5 boro bike tour and they were so sweet to not charge me.  I was so bummed, I woke up early and everything on a Sunday morning too..

sandella's picture

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